Some recent blog posts
Improv skills for relationships!
I was listening to a podcast with Colin Mochrie, who used to be on "Whose line is it anyway?" He described the principles of Improv comedy, and how hard it is to do! He runs workshops where they try to teach it to business people, but he finds many people have habits of automatically doing the opposite. And yet these skills are the same ones that will help in a relationship.
He said there are three things to do in Improv: (1) Listen to your partner. (2) Agree with whatever they said. And (3) make them look good. So often, I see couples where both partners automatically do the opposite of these three things. They try to make their own point, they try to find a way to disprove whatever their partner said, and they try to make a snappy comeback.
(1) Listen. Many people, while their partner is talking, are listening to their own thoughts, preparing their own statement. They don’t know what their partner said, or they didn’t really take in the implications. I know this because I ask them: "can you summarise what your partner just said?" Often, they can’t.
(2) Agree. This means, finding a way it could be true, or could make sense. Improv comedians say “Yes and…”. What is your partner really getting at? Suppose, for example, your partner says “you never clean the bath after yourself”, and you know that you do. You may feel outrage! But instead, could you perhaps sincerely say “I guess my standards of cleaning are lower than yours” Or “I know I can be pretty forgetful.” Find a way to agree. Interpret what they said in the most reasonable possible way. This takes the energy out of their attack.
(3) Make them look good. Or in the case of a couple, make them feel good. Don’t try to “win”. Maybe you could sincerely say that you’re very grateful for their cleaning, because you know you’d live in a mess if you didn’t have them. Express appreciation for something about them.
Maybe you’re thinking that if you do this, you’ll “lose”. All I can say is, winning doesn’t get you what you want. I've never seen anyone persuade their partner to change by landing a really good comeback.
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Point-scoring
It’s a common problem that I see in couples. One or both partners has fallen into a destructive habit of trying to score a point, as if that might finally get their partner to change. Some people call them “zingers”. It can become almost a reflex, which is why in sessions I’m often trying to get people simply to slow down. This is not like ping-pong or tennis where you need to react lightning-fast with your “strongest” response!
And the thing is, point-scoring doesn’t work! Nobody ever got their partner to be nicer by landing a good zinger on them. We love people who make us feel good about ourselves. (I believe I first saw it put that way by Ellen Wachtel). Some therapists theorise that we first learn this bad habit in our very early years: whatever worked to get mother’s attention. Maybe – I don’t really care where it came from. It has to stop.
Part of what keeps it going may be a feeling that if you don’t respond instantly, then you won’t get your point in. That your partner will go on talking, or will assume you have accepted what they have said. And indeed, I see some partners who seem capable of going on talking almost for ever. Neither silence nor monologue is useful, so one of the “communication skills” I want to emphasise is taking turns.
Another way this point-scoring happens is "you're not perfect either". One partner talks about something, and the other changes the subject by bringing up their own complaint in retaliation. Again, this never works!
One of the main things I want to have happen in a session is for you to explain to your partner, not in a point-scoring way but in a real way, what the situation is like for you. Not what you think about it. But what is your struggle, what is your dilemma in the relationship? I can guide you in having that conversation.
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Growing apart or drifting apart?
Two rather different ways of seeing it! One of the commonest problems for couples is feeling that they are no longer as close as they used to be. This is almost inevitable in a relationship. Sometimes circumstances change, such as: parents, children, or employment, or illness. But as well as that, there is an inevitable movement from together, to further apart, and sometimes back again. People do go through stages.
If you think of it as drifting apart, then there’s an implication that you have not paid attention. That nobody has kept an eye on the relationship, and you have just “drifted”. If that’s the case, it might be time for some serious thought about your life’s direction, and what you really want. Individually, and as a couple. Do you really like each other? Do you want to be together, and why? There can be huge benefits in being in a stable long-term relationship.
If you think of it as growing apart, that seems rather different. Maybe you each have grown, perhaps aided by the shelter of the relationship, or the challenge of the relationship, and you are now both rather different people. I want to emphasise that this is normal, and indeed absolutely necessary, in a long-term relationship. Growth and change has to occur. It may be time to take stock of where you are, what you each want, how you manage differences, and what you mean to each other.
Or, maybe one feels that they have grown and their partner hasn’t. Things may have got a little out of step. It’s as if they are on a walk and one is saying “come on, walk a bit faster” and the other is saying “let’s stop and enjoy the view”. You know what I’m going to say: let’s talk about it. We can explore the situation.
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Blame and responsibility
This question often comes up about infidelity and affairs, but can actually apply to many things. If someone has behaved badly, they will often want to talk about the context; about why it happened. “Yes, I had an affair, but our relationship was in a bad place”. And of course, the context, the bad place the relationship was in, will be partly the “innocent” partner’s responsibility.
My answer to this is as follows. Yes, we have to look at the context. But that’s step 2. Before that, we have step 1, which is where the person who behaved badly acknowledges that they should not have done it, and the damage and hurt it has caused. That doesn’t mean saying one word “sorry”. Step 1 may take hours, or days, or weeks, until it’s clear that they fully take responsibility for what they did, and clear that their viewpoint has really changed.
When they say “Yes, I had an affair, but our relationship was in a bad place”, that’s true, but the time gap between the “yes” and the “but” is only two seconds. It needs to be much longer. And it’s for the injured party to say when it’s time.
Only then is it possible to look at step 2: what had gone wrong in the relationship, if anything, and what was each person’s part in that? And then, how do we build a new, better, different relationship?
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Responding to your partner's bids for connection
John and Julie Gottman, founders of the Gottman Institute, famous couples therapists, and authors of many books on the subject, wrote this: "we’ve found that successful couples turned toward their partner’s bids for connection 86 percent of the time. A bid can be something as simple as saying to a partner, “Wow, look at that beautiful boat out the window.” Then the partner can turn away by either ignoring the bid or responding, “Would you stop interrupting me? I’m trying to read.” Or the partner can turn toward the bid with even a simple acknowledgement, like “Huh, look at that.” Every time people turn toward each other in relationships, they’re building up an emotional bank account."
John Gottman loves his numbers, like the "86 percent". I don't know about that, but the point is, if your partner is asking for your attention for a moment, and you brush them off, it has a bad effect. You don't need to be available to them all the time. It can be good to set aside some "apart time", hard as that may be under lockdown. "Please don't talk to me during this TV programme" said in advance, can be legitimate. But, if it becomes a habit to brush them off or close them down, then that does serious damage. Gottman has the numbers to prove it! Try to be aware of the pattern.
If you can't escape from this pattern, it may be worth having some couples counselling.
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Assertiveness part two
Last time, I wrote about an assertiveness technique of sticking calmly to your point. This means you need to be clear, in your own mind, what your point actually is. And I said that part of this skill is not allowing yourself to get drawn into being unreasonable – because then you’ve lost!
In part two I want to talk about asking good questions. What if someone, particularly your partner, approaches you with a criticism, a comment you don’t like, or a request that you don’t want to agree to? The most assertive thing to do is ask for more information; to explore what’s behind it. The worst thing to do is to try to shut it down. (Those with sales training may recognise this as like how we handle so-called “objections”.) It’s vital to find out whether what’s being said is the real point, or is only the tip of the iceberg.
A very good general question is “tell me more”, or “can you say some more about that?” Suppose your partner says “I hate it when you have to work late”. The worst thing you can say is “yeah, but I have to.” You've shut down the discussion.
“Tell me more” would be okay, or “what is about me working late that’s bad?” (Note I didn’t say “…that you hate”; I want to accept their point of view). You may discover that they hate it when they get a meal ready and then you miss it; or that they need more help; or they’re worried that you’re avoiding them; or that they just miss you; or that they’re worried about your attractive new Personal Assistant or colleague. You need to know. And when that concern emerges, don’t squash it. Keep asking for more.
It’s important not to say “why do you think…” or “what makes you think…” because those imply that you don’t agree.
Does all of this sound weird to you, allowing the other person to make their point, not shutting them down, and even agreeing with it? You’ll be amazed how it takes the heat out of other people.
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Assertiveness part 1
The BACP and RELATE did a study of nearly 30,000 people who came for relationship counselling. The most common issues people brought were: “communication problems” (79.7%), “rows and arguments” (68.8%) and “managing conflict” (67.8%). Now to me, those sound like three ways of saying pretty much the same thing: When we disagree about something, we don’t handle it well. And figuring out the pattern of how it goes wrong is the basic task of couple counselling.
Fortunately, there is a set of techniques called “assertiveness” that can help with communications. People often have the wrong idea about assertiveness, that it means being loud or demanding or even rude! It doesn’t. Put as simply as possible, it means sticking to your point and refusing to get side-tracked. Of course, first you have to know what your point is!
The habit that partners often get into is trying to nudge each other to be UNreasonable. That may sound surprising. Why would someone want their partner to be unreasonable? Well, because then it’s easy to feel that you are in the right, and you don’t need to take what they seriously. This can happen unconsciously, and I see it in almost every couple. They know each other well; they know each other’s “hot buttons”; and they try to push their partner into being unreasonable. Children will play this game too. Being assertive is all about resisting this.
This week: technique 1 – sticking to the point
• If you have something you want to talk about, make sure you are very clear in your mind what your point is. What do you really want? Take your time before you bring the subject up. Then don’t allow the conversation to stray onto a different topic. (But do allow your partner to delay the conversation if they need to.)
• Avoid throwing in "and another thing....."
• Maybe all you want is to be listened to. In that case, say so, right up front, otherwise your partner may think you are asking for advice, or asking for action.
• If it’s your partner who’s bringing something up, and it’s complicated, ask for time: “I need some time to consider what you are saying, before I can reply”. Give them a time when you’ll get back to them, and then keep your promise. That can cool both of you down. Think carefully about the problem in the time in between.
• Usually, assertive statements are short.
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What if your partner doesn't want to do couple counselling?
There could be a lot of reasons why! Maybe they are worried about the cost or time. Maybe they’ve heard bad things about counselling, or maybe they’ve already had counselling and it wasn’t good. Maybe they don’t think they’ll be good at being in counselling. Maybe for some reason they expect the counsellor to take your side. Maybe deep down they worry that the problem is really them, that they aren't good enough.
Or, maybe they are tired of your attempts to “fix” things. Perhaps you’ve bought them books, or shown them articles on the web. Perhaps you’ve tried to set up conversations to talk about it. And they’re thinking, just leave it alone already, if you keep picking at it, it won’t get better. Their stance may be that constantly focusing on what’s not right, is draining the hope and energy from the relationship. Maybe they are thinking, let’s just be nice and enjoy each other. Stop treating me like an improvement project.
I have no way to know whether it’s one of the above reasons, or which one. I’ve seen them all many times. If they can tell me one of those things, I’m going to say thank you for being so open, that’s really good, I can understand that. Let’s talk about it.
What can you do? I have some suggestions. (1) Show them this article. Maybe they’ll recognise something above. (2) Back off a bit. Act as if you’re happy and friendly towards them. Avoid disapproving of anything, and see what happens. And (3) you could come for one session of counselling with me on your own. Don’t try to get them to come. Tell them you’re planning to do this, and they may decide to come along. That would be perfect! But if they don’t, we can try to understand what might be going on.
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The drinking-glass -- or why is it always about the dishwasher?
If I had a penny for ever dishwasher story I've heard, I'd be rich. I was reading a blog post by a chap called Matt Fray about how he ended up divorced. He would leave his used drinking glass on the side in the kitchen because “I’ll probably use it again soon”, whereas his wife wanted it put in the dishwasher at once. I have to say I’ve had similar disputes in my own life. He believes his attitude to this was one of a number of cumulative little injuries that led to divorce. A costly and painful divorce.
On the face of it, the situation seems symmetrical. He and his wife each have a preference about the glass. Why should he give way? Does he have to do every single thing his partner asks? Where will it end? Why does she think she’s always right? How can it be that important anyway?
His view, now that he is divorced, is that it was important, because she had strong feelings about it. It mattered more to her than it did to him. Note that the “feelings” don’t make her preference “right”. The reason he should do what she wants is not because she’s “right” but because it matters more to her than to him. Sometimes being grown-up is doing something even though your partner asked you to.
And sometimes you should not do what your partner asked! But even when you decide not to, it should not be done by ignoring or disrespecting the request, or saying you “forgot”. It has to be a respectful “yes” or “no”. Your partner has to feel that you give serious consideration to what they want. I think this goes equally for men and women. Without that feeling of being taken seriously, a person cannot feel safe.
Quotations and useful links
In memory of two of my favourite writers:
“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.” - Ursula K. Le Guin
“A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.” - Terry Pratchett
An article about how to make a success of couple therapy, with some useful ideas.
An interesting website/blog from another Relate counsellor, with lots of useful resources.
An interesting Youtube video about communication. What stops us communicating?
Should you try counselling? From Talk about marriage website. (You don't have to look like the couple in the photograph to benefit).
Interesting article from the New York Times. 13 Questions about marriage . These are all questions we might well explore if you meet with me!
A long, detailed article about marriage for those who like a solid read: Twenty ideas on marriage from "The Book of Life"
A nice "should you divorce or should you stay" guide from Shirley Glass: Hang in or hang it up?
An interesting article from Dr Kelly Flanagan's blog. I agree with him that "communication" is often not the big problem: The 9 most overlooked threats to a marriage
