Mike Gray Couple Counselling for Kingston upon Thames and Surbiton

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Couples and Marriage Counsellor in Kingston upon Thames

Are you having problems in your relationship?

Maybe your relationship isn’t everything it used to be. If you try to talk to your partner about it, they get angry, or refuse to discuss it because they think you’re trying to blame them. Or perhaps they are always trying to tell you how you need to be different. Sometimes you aren’t sure if the problem is you or them. Whatever the discussion is about (money, relatives, sex, children, work…) somehow it isn’t possible to have a sensible conversation. Maybe you feel lonely in this relationship.

I specialise in relationship therapy. I can help get things back on track.

I particularly work with people who are having relationship difficulties such as:

  • difficulties with communications
  • arguments or conflict
  • an affair or infidelity
  • disagreements over parenting, over money, over in-laws...
  • disagreements over sex, or different levels of sexual desire
  • depression affecting the relationship
  • the "midlife crisis"
  • individuals having difficulties in forming successful relationships.

    Please contact me via the "Contact and FAQ" page if you have relationship problems like these.


  • Talking to a couples counsellor

    Sometimes a relationship problem becomes too hard to talk about. Perhaps when you try to discuss it, it blows up, or one partner simply refuses to have the conversation. This can be very frustrating. Talking to a couple counsellor, also known as relationship therapy or marriage guidance, can be a help in getting your conversation going again. It can be a relief to each be able to express your point of view safely. A relationship therapist will be non-judgemental and will not be trying to decide which of a couple is right, or who wins the argument. I often use the approach of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT for couples).

    If you are having problems, it is much better to address them sooner rather than later.

    I also often work with individuals on their relationship issues, like getting over a past relationship, or difficulties with confidence or assertiveness.

    See my "About" page for more about my approach.


    Couple counselling in Kingston upon Thames

    I offer relationship / marriage counselling at Kingston Natural Health, on Old London Road in Kingston upon Thames. It's a few yards from the landmark "leaning-over phone boxes", and a short walk from Kingston railway station and the bus station. Conveniently located also to offer relationship therapy for Surbiton, Thames Ditton, Teddington, Raynes Park, Wimbledon, and Richmond.


    Depression

    Depression can be the cause of relationship problems, and vice-versa relationship problems can also cause depression. Life can be difficult for the partner of a person suffering from depression. And equally, sometimes the partner can, through no fault of their own, do things that don't help with the depression. A major study suggested that couple counselling with both partners attending could be as effective in dealing with one partner's depression as CBT or antidepressant tablets. It can also be very helpful in combination with antidepressants. The NHS has now adopted a model of using couple counselling as one way to treat depression, because of its proven effectiveness.

    The symptoms of depression in men are often different from those of women. Men who are depressed often suffer more from irritability, a loss of interest in things they used to engage with, a lack of concentration, forgetting things. There can also be physical symptoms such as back pain, digestive problems, or difficulty sleeping. Obviously these symptoms can apply to women too, but because men often don't have the persistent sadness, crying, or emptiness that's usually associated with depression in women, it can be harder to recognise.


    Latest blog post - "About the Avoidant"

    The word “avoidant” describes someone who typically “doesn’t do emotions.” Do you know someone like this? If there’s a disagreement, they try to calm it down, or calm themselves down, perhaps by withdrawing to another room or going out for a walk. Or doing something on their phone or computer. Certainly not by talking about it. They don’t seem to take the problems in a relationship very seriously. They just try to smooth it over. They may point to all the things that are going well, or they may point to external circumstances, but in all cases, the message is, “surely we don’t need an argument”?

    Couples where both partners are avoidant don’t tend to show up in my room for couple counselling. That’s the last thing they want! So if you have an avoidant partner, it may be hard to get them to come along. Perhaps you could even ask them to read this! They typically don’t see how they can be part of the solution. They may expect counselling to be like a telling-off.

    Let me explain about typical avoidant people. (Like all generalisations, this doesn’t apply to everyone). First of all, they mean well. They are trying to protect the relationship by avoiding hurtful arguments. They usually care deeply about things, and actually experience deep emotions, despite what you may think.

    Usually they very much want their partner to accept them. They fear being judged as incompetent, they fear being unable to please their partner. They may feel they can never get it right. Like all of us, they want safety. At this point, you may be exclaiming “Really? If they fear being unable to please me, then why don’t they try a bit harder?! I’ve told them exactly what I need!”

    There are many answers to this. Perhaps the way you’ve told them, hasn’t worked. Perhaps they feel that you in turn are not meeting their needs. Very likely, as the situation escalates, they get flooded and their brain shuts down. Very possibly you’ve described your own needs at a surface level and not explained the underlying emotions. These are the things we can work on in couple counselling.

    See more blog posts on my Blog page.


    To men

    Masculinity today is a puzzle: how are you supposed to be these days? Strong? Or emotional? How can you be "emotionally supportive" in a masculine way?

    Have you perhaps looked at men’s web sites, “red pill”, “MGTOW”, or “No More Mr Nice Guy”?

    As I am a man, I am aware of these issues. As a couples counsellor I can help you with them, without trying to push you into a feminine way of dealing with them. Men and women often tend to have different ways of dealing with emotions and relationships.


    Other sources of support for couples

    Many good books on marriage and relationship problems are available - I particularly recommend those published by RELATE on topics such as infidelity.

    Internet Forums - there are quite a number of free marriage guidance forums and discussion groups on the internet where visitors advise each other about their relationship problems such as affairs and arguments. I would recommend caution with these. Generally the people providing online advice are not trained marriage counsellors or therapists - they are other people having problems, so they often have quite a negative view, and urge people towards separation. Some forums advise almost everyone to divorce! Beware of this. Most relationship problems can be improved, if the partners want to. Most couples who think about divorce but don't, are glad later that they stayed together.

    If you have a problem, such as an addiction or a medical problem that requires specialised treatment, I may be able to advise you on what kind of therapist to look for, or give you a referral to a counsellor in the Kingston / Surbiton area.


    Please go to the "Contact and FAQ" page to get in touch with me

    Contact and FAQ page


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