Mike Gray Couple Counsellingfor Kingston upon Thames and Surbiton

About. Me brown shirt

My approach

In my life before becoming a counsellor, I worked in industry, and I have three children. I understand the practical realities of life, as well as the emotional side.

I don’t think that staying together is always the right answer. And being in a relationship isn’t necessarily right for everyone. Being in a relationship that isn’t working, though, is the worst of both worlds: all the problems of being with someone, without the benefits. It can be really frustrating when small things cause conflicts that can’t seem to be discussed reasonably, and you can’t say what you really feel. It also has a knock-on effect on children when their parents argue. People sometimes don’t realise how children pick up on the mood in the household.

My approach is to help each partner to hear what the other is really saying. I help couples to understand and communicate how they are feeling, explore the patterns of their communication, and look at actions they can take to make things better.

This doesn’t involve any blaming, or deciding who is right or wrong. There is no siding with one person, and I am not going to make your decisions for you or tell you how to live your lives. It requires each to take responsibility. I can be very calm and persistent with couples. At times there can be laughter in the room, too.

Couple counselling is a very different process from individual counselling or therapy. In individual counselling, the counsellor will be giving you the space to work out your own thoughts and feelings, and will be focused on your point of view. In couple work, the counsellor has to remain neutral, and bring together two different points of view, in a much more active way. It can involve challenge as well as support and sympathy. I recommend you to look for a counsellor who specialises in couple work. It’s not about superficial advice like “arrange a date night every week”. It’s about how you know your partner really is there for you, practically and emotionally. (See this excellent article for more about this).

I prefer to have slightly longer sessions of 70 minutes for couples, as I have found it works better.

My training

I trained with The Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships, and did my Masters degree in couple work at The Relate Institute.

Every year, I take courses and workshops in order to stay up to date with the latest thinking. This has included Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT) for which I continue to have ongoing training. I am a member, and member of the Leadership Team, of the British EFT Centre (BEFT) and the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT). I also have a certificate level training in CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy).

I have also trained with Andrew Austin in Metaphors of Movement, a fascinating approach to language and how we talk about our difficulties.

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Professional Body

I am a registered member of BACP and am bound by their code of conduct. This includes requirements for proper training, frequent professional supervision, ongoing training, and insurance. I recommend you not to go to a therapist who does not have these things.

I also worked as a qualified practitioner at Relate, until the branch was closed by covid lockdown. Relate is the largest UK organisation dedicated to providing couple counselling. It was previously known as the Marriage Guidance Council.

Please also see my Privacy Notice regarding how I keep your information, and who I share it with.


I identify as Buddhist. I will not bring this into our sessions unless you ask about it.

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